This is the last WILL and TESTAMENT of me, Miss Mi Formerself. I declare that I am of a sound and disposing mind as I make this will. By this will I revoke all former wills and testamentary dispositions made by me.
To my boyfriend, Joe Handsome, I bequeath all royalties from my many books which I never got the chance to write-I was always too busy, the time was never right plus you did not encourage me.
To my sisters-Miss, Doitonherown, Mrs HappilyMarried, Ms. Idon’tneedaman and Miss Followinherfootsteps, I bequeath all the beautiful clothes that fill my walk-in closet some I never wore. I permit you to make whatever alterations are necessary because like you all know I was big and fabulous. I am unable to leave you money because I just had to have the clothes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Enjoy them.
To my sister, Miss Followinherfootsteps, particularly, I bequeath all my Manolo Blahniks, Jimmy Choos and Miu Miu’s, you will need them. I permit you to auction them off on e-bay, as I know that you shop in the “Excuses Mall” (just like I did ) and you may have a will that looks like this one day-far away. I hope you don’t though.
To my brothers, Mr. Keepatit and Mr. Couchpotatoe, I bequeath my desk at the office. I worked there for 60 hours every week and hated it thoroughly BUT I still got many awards for the job, and you all looked up to me. I also bequeath the awards to you, they are shining and envied by most.
You see, I have not much else to give. My sixty hour job took most of my time-I realize too late, that that time is what my life is made of. I didn’t achieve much else but work. Oh! And I shopped and ate-to compensate.
For ease of administration, I have bought a vault at one of the nicest cemeteries in an upscale part of town. I have bought a tombstone, it’s made of pure marble and it reads
“Here lie the remains of Miss Mi Formerself,
She died full
-dreams, potential and all-intact”
Adeiu, to you all. I shall miss our long phone calls, where I just whined about getting nothing done, my boss and how I couldn’t even enjoy my fat pay check-oblivious to your need. I shall miss sending you money for weddings and christenings I could not attend. I shall miss the guilt and the resultant responses I had to rehearse before hand, when asked to put family first. I shall miss you all, because my intentions were good towards you, I just didn’t act it out.
IN WITNESS whereof, I, the said, Miss Mi Formerself, have signed my name this 28th day of January 2009.