I CHEATED AND I AM SORRY! Letter from a repentant husband

My very dear wife, my queen, the love of my life,
I see your pain and I am so sorry. If I could take it all back and stop this heart wrenching pain from gripping you, I will! I am sorry. Please forgive me.
My queen, I do not often speak but I now feel I have to; because I am still me. I cannot guarantee that I would not fall again but I know that with your help, it would be easier not to. You keep asking me why I did it, what did she have that you do not have? What didn’t you give me? And I feel your pain! I wish you never found out, because it hurts me that you hurt like this. You see, I never stopped loving you.
We were students in the University when we met, you were young, care free, beautiful to behold. You dropped your hat at a moment’s notice, just to be with me, we talked, argued, hung out and once in a while, you even danced on the table! You had friends, you were popular but still intelligent; you were kind hearted but still sensuous. I knew then, like I still know now, that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. 
We got married and you got pregnant and I loved the fact that you were carrying my baby. I watched your body change, I watched your feelings change, I saw how tender you became towards someone you did not even know yet; I watched and I loved you all the more but I also felt insecure. I wondered if that body will be the same as the one that I fell in love with, the one that made heads turn and made my buddies think I had struck gold. I wondered. More importantly, I wondered whether this little person will take my place. Whether there was enough space in you, to still love me like you did and love this little one the way that she’ll need.
Then the child came. And your eyes seemed to be drawn to her as if by a magnetic force! Even when you looked up at me, it was to tell me to look at her. I saw you try to make space for me but babies are demanding. She cried at night, was hungry at day, her diapers needed changing, after a feeding was a burping and after a burping was a cleaning and after a cleaning, was rocking to sleep and when she slept, you tried to sleep as well. And so that year went by. I watched and loved you for the nurture you provided our child but I felt like a spectator in my own life.
You who always dressed well, who had those amazing nails I loved; had to cut them down so they won’t scratch the baby. You tried with the dressing but I watched you clean spit-up and diapers, mix baby food and eat the left over’s; I even helped sometimes but I still felt lost and alone. My queen had changed, her priorities had changed, her body had changed BUT I hadn’t changed. I was still the same and I still wanted the same things.
You may think I’m selfish and wonder if the sacrifices you had made weren’t for both of us. You may also say you were confused as well, did not understand the changes in your body and even sometimes wished they were not happening to you. But the change happened in you and in that time you got impatient with me. You wondered why I wasn’t catching up fast enough, why I did not help enough, why I did not understand that between work and nurturing our baby, you were too tired for sex.
There was always something you needed to do and it was no longer dancing in the clubs with me. It was no longer spontaneous- you were not at my beck and call for the fun things anymore, we could no longer blow all our money and you could not talk till morning. I know! I prepared for these changes but no one described them to me and no one told me that through all of that I will not change! No one told me, how shocking it’ll be the first day I saw my own wife, breast-feeding our child (whom I love) with breasts that I have grown to think of as mine and no one said to me, that it will be difficult to share! and that when I did share, it’ll be difficult to see them as they once were.
It wasn’t intentional on your part but more and more I began to feel like a pay check. I paid bills; I even paid for your hair. When I got home, I became the handy-man and the garbage man and the one who was meant to solve your problems and I wondered, “what about my own?” I realise that you tried, there was always food on the table, you did not wear pj’s to bed every night, though, it was now my t-shirt, no longer lingerie that you wore. You tried with your body as well, you exercised and got into shape but I’m visual you see? And the picture I see now is not the picture I saw when I said “I do” and I have not changed. I may have grown in girth, made more money, started to grow in influence but I am still the boy I was when I said I do. You married me, hoping that I would change; I married you, hoping that you would not change!
But all of these did not make me cheat. In fact I loved you so much more, in spite of all these feelings. One day though, I realised that all the times, I said ” I love you” to you, what I actually meant was I love the way you make me feel- you made me feel strong, powerful, invincible, like all the answers lay in me, like I could take the world! You also turned me on! As I thought about this, I realised, I do not get this validation from you anymore! The look you used to give me is softer now and focused on the kids; I can no longer solve all your problems, other mothers and other married women are better at it. I no longer have your company or body when I want and even when I don’t. And the ‘I love you’ that I say now is more like ‘I am comfortable with you, I know you.’
 I did not realise I felt this until SHE came along, she thought I was the best looking man on the planet and though I knew it wasn’t true, it felt good to be so adored.  She asked my opinion on most things and did exactly what I said she should! She liked tennis as well and was not doing homework with the kids on Saturday morning, so she could play with me. She made the effort and even when I did not want her in a physical way, she made sure I knew that when I said the word or gave the look, she would be there! In a French Maid’s uniform, as a nurse or whatever it was that caught my fancy! Her nails were done, her hair was done, she smelled like perfume. Being with her was like escaping from life and drudgery! I could be anything I wanted and it was fleeting. For a hunter who has lost his hunt, it was intoxicating and dangerous!
I do not mean to hurt you with these details but I need you to know that I have not changed on the inside. I am not asking you to be perfect but I am saying I still need us. I still need to look in the mirror and though I may see a cat, be assured that you see a lion. I need you to wear those heels and dance by the table if not on it. I need you, I need you and it was fear that I had lost the ‘you’ I had, that pushed me away the most. It was fear that the changes in you will overwhelm me and mean that I am advancing in years that made me cling to a fantasy!
I am sorry. I love you; I do not want to lose what we have. I know it may have helped if I said some of these things sooner but I am a man and words are not my strength! I will work with you now and we will make us, work. We will work, if you give me another chance.
*This blog is inspired by my friend, the Desperate Naija Woman, who wrote a post yesterday called “Mistress are you for real?” Read it at http://diaryofadesperatenaijawoman.blogspot.com/2010/11/mistress-are-you-forreal.html ; a kind ex-mistress replied her post and I just thought, what do the men feel? Apart from the erosion of moral character and the pervasion that is in society worldwide? What is it that makes a good man cheat? I will appreciate it if some men let me know what sentiments I have been able to capture correctly and where I have represented them wrongly. 


  1. Dear Repentant HusbandTwo emotions feeled me as I read this. Anger and Pity (or maybe empathy, not quite sure)Marriage is for better for worse my dear brother. There is nothing that justifies cheating. Nothing!So while I see how you got there and might even be able to pat your should reassuringly, I still think you DID NOT HAVE to go there. Even if you didnotlove your wife anymore (which funn enough you say is not the case) your fear of God ( I am assuming, thought I might be wrong) that you are A christian, should have kept you home!And I am not sure but dont remember reading anywhere where you said you spoke to your wife about this before SHE came on the scene. Did you?My God heal your home. May he give you both the grace to do all that has tobe done to fix this. May he fill your heart with his kind of love. The one that bears ALL things.This is my prayer for you!DNW

  2. Dear DesperateNaijaWomanYou may be right. I may be a Christian but remember that though I get born again, my hormones do not. I still know what I like when I see it and even when I try to turn away, my brain and body still somehow register the signals.There is no excuse for the hurt I brought my wife. There is no pain that I've felt that is greater than seeing her pain. But to be honest, I do not know for sure if I was pained that I had been caught rather than repentant at the cheating.And believe me, I did not set out thinking that I would cheat on her (though a lot of men go into marriage with their girlfriends in the audience). I thought it'll be just us forever, but the loneliness came, the need for more came and like a "man" I chased the next thrill.Being born again now, I know that the space I tried to fill with a mistress, I should have filled with God but if you know anything about men-even Christian ones- you would know that submitting rather than just doing as we please is difficult.I apologize on behalf of the men who had good intentions. I am just saying that marriage will be easier if both parties worked together…-Repentant Husband

  3. Cheating is as old as the day of Abraham and Isaac. It’s as old as lying and stealing and all the other sins of the world. What did Jesus say to the Adulterous woman? "He who is without sin cast the first stone?” Of course not everyone there was an adulterer. He simply meant, we all fall in many different ways. I must not be misconstrued as condoning cheating, for I understand the pain in brings all too well. I have been that girl that everyone she has dated has cheated on her. But I also understand that perhaps I too cheat some day (heaven forbid), or perhaps, I could tell a lie that would end up making someone loose her source of livelihood, or cut those sugar (devil) coated deals at work and excuse it away because it’s no more perceived as wrong etc. Bottom line is that on bad day and under varying circumstances, any man (or woman) can fall into a sin that could hurt another in some way. Therefore, my reaction to you dear repentant husband is not to judge, ostracise and or condemn you. It’s to empathize, remind and emphasise for you a few things which you may already know since you are now born again. It’s also to remind all my sisters who will rise up in righteous indignation at your confession, that we all sin and indeed our behaviour can sometimes be tantamount to contributory negligence. Do not apologise and in the same breath tell us all our faults because even if you say it does not excuse the cheating, it means deep down you believe it did, at least at the time of the cheating.Now I remind you that and all Christian cheating husbands for I know they abound that God’s standard for husbands is very high; love your wife as Christ loved the Church; this is strong meat because Christ loved us when we were unclean (short fingernails, baggy t-shirts). Daily, when we hurt him by our behaviour, he forgives us. He is both king and priest to us. You are King and priest in your home. Never let the devil play tricks with your hormones again and dethrone you to a place where u are at the masters feet begging for crumbs.Sistas, is what dear repentant husband and the other husbands with mistresses want from us is not really onerous, is it? After all it is akin to the demands made on the exalted Proverbs 31 woman. Yes it seems we are required to work to contribute to the income since things are so hard, have the babies, do the home work, mind the home and in-laws, and still have our nails and hair done, wear sexy lingerie, understand and watch his favourite game and let’s not forget submit (acquiesce and defer) to him. How do we manage all of this? "His grace is sufficient for thee". These standards are not co-dependent. Its do your own I do my own. May God help all men out there to withstand the barrage of young sexy available females with 21st century values that scream “it’s about me” and help our wives to be mothers and sexy – Unmarried

  4. Hmm! As I read your post and that of the Desperate Naija woman, in a sense it felt all too vaguely familiar.I am man, a married one at that(good looking hunk, if you like) a father of two, a good Christian, with a beautiful wife still I am a man.With this background one would think it insane that I should look outside, right? Perhaps on paper, yes, but in practise outright no. The average man looks outside its like something we are wired to do. Someone said "men mess up, its in their manual, right next to leave your socks on the floor"Men are hunters by design and they like to "catch game" that is why they are always attracted to something they "can't" have, perhaps its the adrenaline but they always want to be on the chase so when the wild beauty that once gave them a "run for their money" suddenly begins to act tame the inner bells begin to toll for another catch.Desperate Naija Woman thinks a mistress doesn't exist because of what she can do, but I tell you the truth they are all around you. In fact the common saying is that "there are more women around who want your husband than you know". I have been around "mistresses" and it would surprise you to know most of them are not thinking as far down the line as you are. for them the important thing is the here and now and they often comment that married men are more "caring".Don't get me wrong, there is no sufficient reason for a "real man" to cheat because the act itself demeans the definition of manhood. But I say this to every woman (full time housewife, career mum, upwardly mobile married lady)if you want to keep your man you have got to give him something to chase (the kids if you have them, and all the other balls you are joggling, notwitstanding)On the other hand unlike contrary opinions its actually a mans job to hold the family together. How dare you leave the raising of children to women? Do you know how hard it is to raise boys? Even girls as soft as they may be still need an anchor, a picture of stability in a very uncertain world.The truth is, In the "battle of the sexes" no side has an easy task but both parties must seek a "common ground" and often require the services of an infallible 3rd party (this is where most get it wrong) which in this case should be God(not your "GUYS' or the "girlfriends", or the In-laws) and even then it doesnt get any easier.In conclusion, if a man has cheated, or is thinking about it (cause it usually doesnt happen at once) or feels the spark is gone thats when the real Love(work) begins, because Love is not a flurry of emotions its HARD work, so roll up the sleeves and dig in.

  5. Dear Fairy FriendI hear you loud and clear and I am glad you say there is no sufficient reason for a 'real man' to cheat. And IMHO a man cannot be real if God is not in the equation for real.Most women will be ready to roll up their sleeves and work with their men IF ONLY the mean would open up to them WHEN they begin to fell that there is no longer any 'game to hunt' in their homes. Personally, I am learning ALOT from all of this – I will surely stock up on knees pads for I SHALL be praying BUT I will not close me eyes to the reality of the nature of Men that you have so clearly outlined here.Nevertheless, FairyFriend, can you guys not just exercise self control…You are gods and your hormones or internal wiring should not rule you! IMHO!But, thanks for you candid comment!P. S. Not sure I understand what you meant when you said 'Desperate Naija Woman thinks a mistress doesn't exist because of what she can do,….'. ?????

  6. BTW Fairy FriendPls can you tell us why husbands don't talk to their wives about these things….? Just wondering……Is it something we do? Or is it a wiring issue again. You just cannot talk to us?This is for my own learning and I am sure other wives out there would love to know…..so if we can fix the block……..And we could tell us others too 'what not to do'Gracias!

  7. Hi Desperate NaijaWoman,Why don't husbands talk to their wives? It beats me too. I had that problem when I got married initially, I found out it was easier to talk to "my guys" than it was to enact the same discussion with my wife so I guess we could "blame it" on the wiring issueThat said, I have come to realise that when issues of fidelity or infidelity are concerned, (these days) the best person to talk to should be your wife. I say that for two reasons1. Its happening everywhere. and most other guys (I'm sorry to say) even "Christian" ones can pass it up as a weakness of the flesh and tend to condone it (not embrace it though but make allowance for it. your secular friends? they tell you its no big deal "everybody does it" so you are grossly out of the loop if you are not doing it. Its a case of don't know, don't tell.2.Oddly enough, I have found that telling your spouse about it in the early stages(if you read my earlier post, I indicated it doesn't just happen at once, it passes through a process in the mind) it reduces your job by about 50% but the problem becomes "How do you tell your wife you have a crush on another woman, girl, lady?"Please be honest with me, how many women will not go off the top if their husband hints them of this kind of information? And that is what most guys can compete with "the nagging element". I believe that in these times women need to be a little less "volatile" when it comes to responding to men, perhaps that could help propagate a rational discussion. What am I saying? I mean you have to get your guys to talk (because its not that easy for most guys) and then you have to be ready to listen to what they are saying (not what you are hearing cos they are two different things) and then help both of you make a rational decision(because its not just the guy you are helping when he overcomes its both of you)Personally, I have been in this situation a couple of times(while in the banking sector) and discipline does matter but what about your unguarded moment? when circumstances deprive you of reason, and caution is a mile away, discipline seeps even further away, the only thing that can hold you then is the trust, confindence and respect that you have built for you woman.When I told my wife of a crush in my office, she didnt go raving and ranting but her response won respect, so that when the "laps of delilah" were offered it was difficult to go all the way cos it would be disrespectful to herAm I making any sense? Cos I am just typing this as I go along haven't done any kind of editing cos I am on a clock but I hope it helps.Regards

  8. Faiyfriend is right. It may help to tell your wife. I think it comes to being friends with whoever you get married to. I once cheated with a married man. It was the emotional kind of cheating. We did not physically cheat but it was as bad. I am not not what you will describe as a mistress type of girl. Almost the good girl. But it happened.I think if he told his wife, it would not have extended to what it did. It started off as harmless but spiralled into something else.She found out and sent me a long email asking me to leave her husband. It went worse from there. We started to keep the emails away from her. It went really messy. I look back and I am absolutely ashamed of what I did. When it stopped, it had little to do with wanting to stop hurting her.

  9. Hi Anonymous,Not to pry but help me understand, did it get worse because she interfered? Would it have mattered more if it was the man that had taken the first step?You said "When it stopped, it had little to do with wanting to stop hurting her" does that mean that hurting her (the wife i guess) mattered little?I am not trying to be judgemental but to understand what I have always thought to be an underlying concept and I will explain:Before I got married I used to tell the women "around the edges of my life" that: "how you sell your husband to people around you is exactly the same amount others will buy them (or less for those that know how to price well :)) "This goes the same for both spouses, if I can make reference to your situation, even though the wife sent a "long" email but because the husband didn't place enough value on the wife to honour the mail you equally placed less value on it right?That's been my understanding but correct me if i am wrong and I think it applies to all sorts of areas as far as marriage is concerned when it comes to dealing with in-laws, relations, friends, subordinates, e.t.c if your spouse is not rated high enough in your eyes (for whatever reason) he will be worth much less to others.God Help us!

  10. Wow! This got me boxed into a scary futuristic corner.
    Sincerely, his ‘excuses’ are relatable, his fears realistic; and the act, though avoidable, massively ensnaring.
    Beyond all that, I see a truly repentant man. A man ready to make amends; ready to win back his wife’s love.
    I’ve read the comments too. Good points made.
    I firmly believe cheating is avoidable. Totally. Same way celibacy is possible, for the determined.
    But the possibility of falling short, is just as real, because sometimes the difference between a faithful husband and a cheat is ‘opportunity’.
    That’s why we all need more God, male & female. May our feet never take us where His presence will not go with us. Amen.
    Very good piece Haj. Bookmarked!

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